November 8, 2012 by thebookslayer
Fifty Shames of Earl Grey by Fanny Merkin, aka. Andrew Shaffer
Expected Release Date : Already Happened so go buy it!
Young, arrogant, tycoon Earl Grey seduces the naïve coed Anna Steal with his overpowering good looks and staggering amounts of money, but will she be able to get past his fifty shames, including shopping at Walmart on Saturdays, bondage with handcuffs, and his love of BDSM (Bards, Dragons, Sorcery, and Magick)? Or will his dark secrets and constant smirking drive her over the edge?
Like Earl Grey, I must confess one of my many shames. I have had this ARC copy since June, I believe. I started reading it then and loved it. However, I think I put it down for an ARC that I had been waiting for. It wasn’t Earl’s fault, just that well… his many shames caught up with my many shames and it has taken many months to finish and review. As I like to say, it is better to wash the car than air dry it. lol
Okay, not at all what I would say but this book just seems to bring out my madness. Therefore, I decided to review this book differently.
I am exercising my right as a reviewer.(Book Reviewers Const. art I. §4)
This book was ________. Please fill in the blank as you see fit.
This isn’t the worst review that I have given. It isn’t the best review either. But a review is a review, no matter how small.
You may walk away from this review or continue reading because I had so much fun with the first review I had to give it another try.
Review Attempt #2
Warning. The story you are about to read has everything, nothing to do with the actually book I am reviewing. It all likelihood my mind is slowly deteriorating.
This is how I picture this book was conceived.
No actors were hurt or maimed in the telling of this story. This does not reflect on Andrew Shaffer or any other human being other than me, which is sadly not a good thing. I must tell you that…..
1. I am not a writer
2. I butcher grammar in the most disasters ways.
Continue at your own risk.
A starless night set in the Deep South. Why starless because everyone knows that is when you sit on your porch and watch the fireflies dance in the darkest dark of the night.
Two friends sat in contemplation of the world as we know it.
“What did you think of all that 50 shades shit?” Sally said. Why Sally? Because I said so. I mean doesn’t everyone have a friend or cousin named Sally? That’s what I thought too.
Back to my story.
“Who the hell does E.L. James think she is, the queen of Kinkey Fuckery?!” Andrew looks out at the darkest dark of the night in July while drinking his moonshine.
“The book made bleep bleep look like a monkey. I mean come on, the man has never contracted a slave in his life. The red room of pain?! I just can’t …”
“Drewy, we all can’t be Masters of the Universe like you.”
Sally took the jug of moonshine. It didn’t even faze her as she took a long hard pull, or did it?
Andrew scratched the mountain man bread on his chinny-chin-chin and contemplated this so-called “BDSM”book. He knew all the ins and outs of that world being the Master and all that shit.
Should he write a letter to this author and send a book with all the corrections to his world made? He shook his head no. Too much work for a woman who obviously sucks at doing research.
How about starting a petition? Strip the book! He could make a call to arms on various websites and at all his play parties.
A rally on Time Square? Down with the man, I mean woman! This shit is not it! If you want kink visit this link. www.kinksrus.do.me.right
“I know that look. Those wheels are spinning through those muddy thoughts with nowhere to go.” Sally half said, half burped.
Maybe… no that would never work. But it might, his thoughts drifted on the wind in the darkest dark of the night.
What if he were to write something so profound, so daring that even the gods would weep.
Yes, that was it! He would write his version of Christian and Anna. The heavens would open and Angels would sing with joy from the beauty of his work, his words.
And so in the darkest dark of the night in July, Andrew and Sally drank to their hearts content while writing the most beautiful story ever written about love and kinky shit.
The heavens wept when his work was done. Their laughter and delight could be heard throughout the world. For Andrew stuck it to the man, I mean woman. He showed her the error of her ways through patience and … humor.
I give you 50 shades of Fucked up Earl Grey.
I think this attempt was better than the first, however, I am not sure the publisher or author would count this as much of a review either. Maybe my third try will do it. *Snicker* Do. It.
Attempt #3 also known as the Real
Slim Shady Review.
With parodies of 50 shades being released right and left, I feel it is my duty to point out this was the first! Before you pick up some Jane Eyre or the Pride and Prejudice 50 Shades wanna-be you need to go for this one instead.
I remember the day that I first opened this book. I was standing in line at Wal-Mart, yes I shop there because I am poor and it is cheap people, waiting for my turn to check out. This particular day all the lines were extremely long and I believe I waited about 30 minutes. You think I am lying?! I promise you I am not.
When in a stressful situation you must find something full of humor to get you through. I wouldn’t want to completely lose it to my shopping-cart-rage. It’s true, shopping-cart-rage happens. Have you seen people on Black Friday?! I see you nodding your head, that shit is scary! Run like the wind, Bullseye!
I choose right when I started reading an ARC of Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. I was laughing so loud that people were staring. That my also be due to my lack of clothing as well. Hey, nudist have it right. (just kidding I believe in clothing. Rah! Rah! Clothing!)
It all started with the first few lines.
I growl with frustration at my reflection in the mirror. My hair is fifty shades of messed up. Why is it so kinky and out of control? I need to stop sleeping with it wet. As I brush my long brown hair, the girl in the mirror with brown eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait…my eyes are blue! It dawns on me that I haven’t been looking into the mirror-I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is fine.
I am sure that most of you have read Fifty Shades of Fucked Up. If you have not than you have at least heard of it. The story line of Fifty Shames is quite similar but hilariously different. For example:
Welcome to The Earl Grey Corporation.
…is ginormous 175-story office building that juts into the cloudless sky like a steel erection. I walk through the glass doors and into the lobby, which is floor-to-ceiling glass and steel. This fascinates me to no end, because buildings back in Portland are made of grass and mud.
A little while later…
‘You’ll want to take the elevator to the ninetieth floor.” I stare at her blankly. We don’t have elevators in Portland. “This will be my first elevator ride. How do they work, exactly?”
A little while after that…
I step onto the elevator, push the button marked “90,” and the magical box hurtles up toward Mr. Grey’s office. It’s like an amusement park ride, only it’s free, you don’t have to stand in line for two hours, and no one’s thrown up all over the floor.
Why don’t I introduce you to the man of the hour, Mr. Earl
HOLY MOTHER EFFING SPARKLY VAMPIRES IS HE HOT.
…he’s the kind of guy you want to write fanfic about.
He’s so attractive and long fingered that I find it hard to concentrate on asking the questions Kathleen has written down for me.
He’s like a really rich caveman. Me. Want. Anna!
The bulge running down the side of his pants leg is quite noticeable. Then I notice a similar bulge running down the side of his other pants leg. Either he has a banana in each pocket, or he’s really happy to see me.
He’s not wearing his joy-buzzer, but his touch is still electric.
I cannot just introduce Earl without Airhead Anna. Here are some of her finer moments.
I haven’t put much thought into my future yet. I’be only had four years to contemplate it.
She’s talking about the time I squatted and peed in the kitchen. It was only the one time, and I was on shrooms.
I think he’s literally asking if I want milk or sugar for my tea, but he could very well be asking if I want them for my ass. “No thanks,” I say.
“I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the same name as my tea. But I realize that might be too forward, so instead I say, “Black.”
“Most times, my mind is just an ongoing, present-tense, first-person monologue. It’s like I’m writing a novel, constantly, but only in my brain. A really bad novel.”
This book just gets better and better. It is hard to decide what to put in this review and what to leave out. If you wanted all the funny lines well… that would be the whole book. If you wanted all the funny scenes, well… that would be the whole book again.
Now that I have introduced the characters and where they will meet for the first time I find that the next step would be to mention an overview of what you can expect.
What to Expect When You’re Reading 50 Shames.
1. Grey is the new Pink.
2. Anna’s guidette may or may not be one of her multiple personalities shining through.
3. Jay-z & Vin Diesel make an appearance. There may be more big names as well.
4. The brony code : Friendship and Kindness. Brony on, my friends. (If you actually get this in the context it is meant, you are one kinky bastard.)
AirplanesHelicopters in the night sky are like shooting stars.
6. Beware of the Unicycle.
7. Repeat after me: I am a doormat.
8. Top Gun, enough said.
9. Nudist Unite
10. The ‘Room of Doom’
11. LARPers (Live Action Role Play)
12. Who Drained the Pacific Ocean?
13. Alcohol-Soaked Tampons
14. Diving Accidents Kill People
15. Vampires Among Us
I have to stop my review because if I continue the whole book will be in it. I will leave you with some sage advice from Anna.
Air is like cable TV: you don’t appreciate it until you don’t have it.
I hope you enjoyed my three attempts at reviewing this spectacular book. I loved reading every minute of it, even if I did put it down for a few months.
Recommendation : This book is for anyone who enjoys laughing. If you have read or heard about ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ you will want to read this parody no matter if you loved or hated it.
I wanted to take a second to say thank you to Perseus Books Group via Netgalley for allowing me to have a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. I am terribly sorry it has taken so long to get it to you.